too early for goodbyes

i'm afraid that i shan't be able to write this very often again in me life, so i shall write it now for that reason alone. for bragging and the recording of bragging and the holding on to something to point to and say, yes, i was cool once. but it will never be as cool as the black and white photographs and 60s pakistani newspaper clippings of my father in vintage dress being described as a "pioneering rock star." will be a watered down version, as expected from me. by me. for me. but nontheless it will be mine.

oh yeah, so what was i saying....ahhh....yes. looking back on the year. what i can say that i fear i shan't be able to say again is that i spent substantial amounts of time, not just touristy amounts of time, in 5 countries on 3 continents and in 5 different geographic regions in the past year. those would be: eritrea, UAE, eritrea, USA, egypt, eritrea, pakistan, and back to eritrea. well, enough bragging. from here, the only way is down, i fear.

i need to pee. bloated bladder. i'm used to drinking inordinate amounts of water in agordat. asmara is freezing (relatively). sometimes my water-drinking habits lag behind my geographic location, and i end up with bloated bladders while i am homeless and toilet-less in asmara.

i spent all x-mas day in this dingy ass internet cafe. doing work. only a few breaks in between. saw a pile of sheep skin and other thrown away bits, the occasional half-skull, in a big heap right in the middle of a roundabout. i wonder if that was a designated throw-away point. eritreans like to slaughter and eat sheep and goats on holidays.

there have been holidays galore lately...there was euro x-mas, then new years, now ge'ez x-mas. there's epiphany and eid coming up. then there are finals and semester break. the there's 2nd semester. then it's over. yes, i'm zooming ahead with the lens in my head right now. wondering, thinking, shit, i don't have much time left do i? what the hell did i do while i was here? why the hell can't i speak the local language(s) yet? am i that much of a loser? why do i do so much work and so little play? i need to flip that around. i intend to try to make up for it all the next semester. and then i intend to stay on in the summer, further trying to "make up" for things. or just get some extra credit. some extra time here. time to take it in, stop and say hello while i was so busy running and screaming and frustrating and sleeping and tiring thinking that i have time. i have time. or not even thinking about time b/c the only time you think about time is when you think you don't have it. or when you have too much of it. and then it's with opposite attitudes. i will be sad sad to leave. yes. very sad. people ask me, many people ask me, will you extend, will you be here next year. i say no like i wish i could say otherwise. but i still say no. i already have a friend in major denial about my leaving. i just half-lie to him these days, oh, yeah, maybe, maybe i'll be around. you never know. but i know. i will be gone. and forgotten. as is meant to be in this world. the most unnatural thing, immortality. i don't intend to live it, in any place.

my memory will fall away as the long strands of hair i noticed on at least three agordat-ites (my word) on my return in october, even though only one admitted it, i took it as imitation, as flattery, he's being like me. hadn't noticed any boys with pony-tails in 2003. sweet sweet. perhaps i was just cushing my ego with delusion of imitation. whatever, i don't care. i just know i will miss this place and the lives i touched and touched me.

it's a bit early for a sentimental farewell, isn't it? what am i doing? i will only repeat myself, exceed myself with sentimentality 6 months later, i better save it. stuff it. bring it out again when it's more pertinent. as of now, i still got half a year in this joint. plenty of time to accrue more emotions and experiences to gush out in an uber-sentimental farewell. so, until then.