2D

inured (in yoor'd; i noor'd) adj. accustomed to accepting something undesirable

12:04am

inured

12:05am

inured

12:06am

stillinured

inured. in u red. i am inured. but i am reminded that in u red. in me there is blood. flowing through my veins. in action. it is not resigned. it is moving. fighting. keeping me alive. something that my will is no longer doing. that is only inured. accustomed to something undesireable.

i went to the mall today with my mom. last place i was expecting to run into anyone i knew. at the mall in dallas, tx. ran into someone i knew in high school. and in college. she was like, this is the last place i was expecting to see you! i was like, yeah, i'm with my mom. she said, me too! yeah, sure. i know, i used to be radical, but now i go to the mall on saturday afternoons.

i was hanging by a thread. i was standing on the very last of a precarious support. the final straw was pulled beneath my feet and now i am collapsed. i have to blow myself up with air once again. air that will fill my body and soul like it once used to be filled. air from another source will pervade my being and inhabit my soul and i will be different. i'm already changed. but i'm still waiting for new air to inflate me from my collapse. right now, i'm inured to my flatness. inured to my hollowness. inured to being without you. or so i tell myself.

i discovered this word as i was half-assingly studying for the GRE. learning words that no one uses. so as to cement the distance between academy and reality. a distance that i'm now preparing myself to leap. why, i don't know. i'm just looking for direction. searching for meaning. biding my time. b/c you're no longer mine.

so i came across this word and decided it was the perfect epithet for the state that i've been in for the last 2 years and running. it's all well and fine when you're travelling, being inured. when you're away from "home" (where is that again?). when you're "roughing" it (roughing what? pervert). sure, i'll eat what i can get, drink what i can get, travel any way i can, be it with goats in the back of a lorry or in a luxurious landcruiser.

but what about when you're back "home" and still inured? does it just mean that i've lost all the fight that was once in me? have i lost my young blood? was i once radical and now mediocre? was i once imaginative and now boring? or was it just that i was once young and now old. once in fantasy and now in reality?

i used to think, we could leave, we could leave and spark and combust into something beautiful and otherworldly. i used to think not that we could, but indeed we must one day do this. sure as the night giving way to day, we would combust and spark into our beautiful destinies.

now i think that this is all life will ever be. no more. maybe sometimes less. and that if we must combust and spark into beautiful destinies, that could happen only in death. and even then, it's not a sure bet.

the breath of your love once filled me up and made me 3-D. now it's gone and i've deflated. i've lost a dimension.